I miss Joan Rivers, you guys. But since she's off doing... something, I don't know, we must soldier on without her and do our best to evaluate this year's Oscar gowns.
There weren't any huge disasters this year; I'd say the biggest, no-debate mess was Daniel Day Lewis's wife and her crazy chest brooch. But, you know, she's a civilian and I expect being married to DDL is pretty tough, so we should be kind.
A more high profile miss was Marion Cotillard's Jean Paul Gaultier dress. Scales? On a mermaid dress? As the Fug Girls said so perfectly, she looked like a fish on her wedding day. In general, I disagree with outfits that make women look like animals, which is why I'm almost always against fur and feathers. But let's be honest here: Marion Cotillard is a babe and looks gorgeous from the neck up, and her acceptance speech was so genuine that I have to like her. Plus, did you see the photos of Forest Whitaker hugging her backstage after she won?
Too cute! If these two can't get together in real life, can they do a movie together? Perhaps she can be a French girl who comes to America to study astronomy and he can be the gruff but tender professor who teaches her about the stars... and love. Coming to theaters, Christmas 2010!
The big trend of the night was red, and almost everyone did it well. Anne Hathaway redeemed herself for last year's giant boob bow mess, and Katherine Heigl wore a similar but simpler one-shouldered dress. Neither will land on worst-dressed lists, but let's make a little Venn diagram. If one circle is Anne Hatahway in Marchesa, and the other is Katherine Heigl, then the little space overlapping in the middle is Kate Winslet:
And she, of course, does it better than any starlet with a stylist. Anne's is a better color, her skin is great, and I love the flower detail, but I also think the gathering and draping at the bottom is a little too much. I also am not crazy about her hair and something about her brows frightens me. I also am really jealous of her perfect porcelain skin. Katherine's dress is a bit tomato-y , but the shape compliments her body perfectly, and I really like how the cut out strap is on her shoulder instead of on top. Plus, she's kind of fabulous at red carpet posing. However, it annoyed me when, before presenting her category, she stood at the poduim and said, "Oh my god, you guys, I'm so nervous." First, Katherine, you won an Emmy a few months ago and while this may be your first time at the Oscars, you aren't fresh off the bus from Kansas and should be able to hold it together. Second, this is the Oscars. No one gives a shit how Izzie Stevens feels. This isn't about you, so just present the nominees for best animated short or whatever and then take your leave gracefully. I hate when presenters get all "Me! Me!" on stage, like when Julia Roberts wished her friend happy birthday before announcing a winner a few years back, or when Julia Roberts said, "I love my life," before announcing Denzel Washington as the winner. It's not about you, it's not your night. Cram it.
On the plus side, Julia Roberts didn't show! And neither did Gwyneth Paltrow. So that means I have a lot less fugging to do right now.
But Renee Zellweger did not disappoint. While I can't say her dress was ugly, it did seem a little too similar to Reese Witherspoon's dress when she won for Walk the Line (why wasn't Reese at the Oscars this year?), and also the high slit made it look like a bath towel tied around her torso. But the real problem was her face. And her hair. Mostly her face, which was made worse by her hair. Does she really have no one in her life who'll sit her down and say, "Renee, you really need to stop doing that lip purse thing. I don't know who told you it was flattering, but it's not. It's really, really not."
Back to the red trend. You know I have a soft spot for Miley Cyrus, and I thought she looked lovely and age-appropriate in this long, gown with cap sleeves. I hope that Billy Ray helped her pick it out.
Heidi Klum... well, she's a supermodel. she's gonna look good in anything and everything. But the half-inner tube around her neck was just too much for me.
But I'm going to go ahead and say that Helen Mirran has the best red dress of the night. Perfect shape, perfect color, great sleeves, gorgeous hair and makeup. She's the motherfucking queen for a reason.
I really like Amy Adams, and I think she's looks great, and if I were president I would pass a law making every redhead wear green gowns to the Oscars. But-- I think Proenza Schouler was the wrong choice. Their trademark bodices are original, sure, but they don't have the timeless glamour you want in an Oscar dress. She should have gone with another designer.
I like Saoirse Ronan's dress, also. It was a little more fun and girly than Miley's dress, and I like to think that Saoirse choose the color to show her Irish pride.
Too bad Ellen Page's stylist wasn't as good. I'm ok with the makeup, and I even think that the long necklace works, but the dress was a bad choice. She may be a tomboy but she has a great shape and she's 21. Why does she have to hide in that shapeless thing? Plus, the flapper-inspired look almost never works, and Ellen Page is not going to be the one in a hundred who manages to pull it off. But at least she wasn't wearing Converse and a hoodie, I guess.
You know, I feel like the top of Jessica Alba's dress could have been a touch more refined... but she's gorgeous, she's glowing, she's pregnant, she's rocking the braids without looking like a milkmaid, and that's a great color. Jessica Alba always looks like she knows what she's doing at award shows, and for that I have to give her props.
Tilda Swinton almost never looks like she knows what she's doing at award shows, but that's why we like her. What else can I say about her black velvet sack and her face/brain?
Cate Blanchett is, as always, the great divider in our apartment. Danielle thinks everything she does is divine, I think everything she does is a mess. This... isn't awful. But the necklace attached to the dress and the weird metallic things on the hum means she doesn't get to be in the Best Dressed column.
There was a lot of bad hair this year. Jennifer Garner modeled the "I have to go pick up my kid from day care and I was running late so didn't have time to grab a bobby pin!" look, and Cameron Diaz does her customary "Oh, you know, I'm just going to hit the gym and then run some errands" hair thing. But Calista Flockhart was the worst of them all. Her hair said, "Oh, I guess it's Sunday and since I'm too lazy to shower I might as well scrub the bathtub. Where's my scrunchie?" Sure, Harrison looks like he just rolled out of bed, too, but he's a legend and you're arm candy. Brush your hair.
Speaking of arm candy... Clooney, when are you gonna stop slumming with the Fear Factor robot and date someone who deserves you? I'm gonna give her a little credit and say that the dress might look gorgeous in person, but on TV it looks like overpriced wrapping paper. I want to give a shout-out to the Twop live blog, where someone joked, "Clooney's like, can we get this ceremony over already? My date has homework and it's a schoolnight."
I know this won't be an opinion shared by many, but I think my favorite dress of the night was James McAvoy's wife's. I'm usually not into dresses with lots of tiers and ruffles, and it has a bow-like thing on the bust, but it all just works! And let's consider that she's there as a wife, not a nominee or presenter or famous person in her own right. So it's appropriate that her dress isn't hogging the spotlight, but it's not dowdy or boring at all. It's fresh, and her hair looks great (she should give Renee Zellweger the name of her stylist!), and I don't think anyone else was wearing that color. I like it so much I'm going to look up her name: Anne-Marie Duff. If only she had made her husband shave, she'd be the queen of the Oscars.