Bros before hoes

Let's say, hypothetically, that after bitching and moaning about how you don't want to watch Lost alone, that one of your male friends gives you a pity invite to his weekly poker game with the guys. And you go, because you secretly love hanging out with boys, and you dream of being a guy's girl. But what do you wear?

Here's the perfect outfit for the female bro, from the bottom up.

Converse! The perfect, not-trying-too-hard, unisex shoe. I have the All Star laceless slip ons, which are currently $25.99 in navy at Gap.com. I own these shoes, and while I always feel really cool and bro-y when I wear them, they're totally falling apart and I only bought them last summer, and I don't wear them that often. So maybe you should go with the Black All Star Lo-tops, $40.

Next you need some jeans. There might be a voice in your head saying, "Wear the dress! If you're going to be surrounded by boys you might as well look hot!" But I believe it's unethical to use your boobs or legs as a way of distracting your fellow bros and then winning at poker. So wear jeans. Not super-fashiony, skinny jeans with a funky wash and designer label. Go with your oldest, most worn-in jeans that aren't stretched out, and make your thong isn't peaking out of the back. I'm a big fan of the Gap boot cut jeans, personally. The medium tint is $59.

But listen: don't wear a thong. If you're gonna be a bro, commit to it and wear boy-cut undies. They're comfortable, and fun, and if the game turns to strip poker you won't feel like a harlot. American Eagle aerie rainbow boyfly boybrief, $7.50. If you want to girl these up a little bit, they also come in "Magenta gloss" and "coral flash." And they're 5 for $25!

Everything so far has been a no-brainer, but tops can be tricky. Say you decide to go literal and wear somet
hing menswear inspired, like a light blue button-down. Don't do it! In a social gathering of four or more guys in the 18-25 age bracket, there's a 90% chance at least one will be wearing a light blue button-down. It's just hard math. And then you two will be matching and you'll pretend not to notice until he points it out and you'll burn with the sort of shame that no shower can wash away. Or maybe it won't be a big deal. But you'll wish you'd worn something else.

Like a conversation-starter tee! I just coined that term right now, and it's pretty self-explanatory, but in case you don't get it: a conversation-starter tee is a shirt with some sort of pop-culture reference or logo that at least one person will get, and then comment on, and then you and that bro will have totally bonded. Band tees are good for this, as long as it's not the shirt you got at the Spice Girls concert. I have this brown Format tee that I like a lot; it can be a double conversation starter because sometimes people can't make out what it says and then ask. The Brown Blocks tee is $12. But the Format tee I really want is this argyle aqua one, only $7. On the site they call it the "second ugliest Format shirt ever made... hands down." I think that's bullshit and that this shirt is freaking awesome.

Another good place to find interesting shirts is bustedtees.com. They have a lot of shirts with puns, which I'm really into, and also a bunch referring to recently classic movies and TV shows. And also, the dudes they have modeling the shirts are really cute (just because you're a bro doesn't mean you're blind, ok!).

This is going to be a tshirt mini test. I'll post a photo, and you have to figure out what it's referring to.







































































Beets tee, $17.99
Jesse and the Rippers, $17.99
Pierce and Pierce, $17.99, in pale nimbus white with lettering in something called Sicilian Rail.
Camp Anawana, $17.99
The Final Countdown, $17.99
That's What She Said, $17.99

All these tees come in both woman's and men's sizes. And seriously, how cute are these model dudes?

Glarkware, official clothing store of Twop, is my final suggestion for conversation starter tees. I especially like this In Soviet Russia tee, $20, because I'm secretly a Communist. They also do monthly limited edition shirts that are super in-jokey due to copyright concerns, I guess. With a lot of them, you really need to know the show the shirt's referring to in order to get it. This one is pretty easy once you see the sleeve. Army of Champions tee is $20 and only available through February.

So, now you're pretty much dressed. I would suggest for finishing touches a practical watch and the shiniest, fullest hair possible. And also, when you're getting dressed, try to listen to something to get you into the guy-bonding mood. Jay Z's "99 Problems" always works for me.
Now, bro in peace.

(God I love puns, and bro works as a pun in so many different things!)