Retro Swimsuits

I really hate those one-piece swimsuits that have less fabric than a regular bikini. All those cutouts and keyholes leave really weird tan lines and leave all your lady parts in rather precarious positions. Like this monstrosity, $30.99, from Victoria's Secret. If you're going to show that much skin, just wear a bikini, and then you won't have to get totally naked when you visit the ladies' room!

And what is this? You can't play beach volleyball in this, the bathing suit version of the infamous green J.Lo dress! And I'm willing to bet that double-stick tape does not work underwater.

Also, monokini is a really stupid word.

A much better option is the retro one piece! Mindy Kaling posted a few of her favorite one-pieces a year ago; as always, the rest of the world takes a while to catch up to her fashion genius. Also, I feel like this topic is particularly relevant because Mary Louise Parker is plastered all over the city in those Weeds ads, looking totally pin-up hot in a retro swimsuit. Also, this post is about swimsuits, but her shoes are ridiculously awesome and I want them.

Let's start with one of my favorites, from the seller Miss Brache on etsy. She custom makes all of her clothing to your measurements, for not much more than you'd pay for any upper end swimsuit. The Sweet Coquette Maillot, $102, is actually a two-piece swimsuit, so you can roll it up to show a little more leg.

From Urban Outfitters, the Lux Lamour one-piece, $88, has the cutest ruffles on the legs and the classically flirty sweetheart neckline. And the halter strap is removable, a feature I always appreciate.

You'd think that little sleeves wouldn't work on a bathing suit, but look! The Lux Polka-dot one-piece, $98, is a little less frilly but just as adorable. It's so cute that you could totally throw a skirt over it and wear it to a moderately casual restaurant. OR you could probably figure out a way to turn it into a Minnie Mouse costume for Halloween!




If you're sick of one pieces, here's a cute bikini. The Lux Juliet Ruffle bralette and skirted bottom, $48 and $58, shows a perfectly modest amount of midriff, so you can show off your abs while still rocking the retro vibe. However, I have a strong suspicion that the high-waisted skirt only works on girls with very slim hips, because otherwise your bottom half looks likes it's trapped inside sausage casing. Not flattering. But how
cute is the back of the top?






Delia's also has some cute suits. The Solid Cinched Bandeau One-piece, $33.50, is more of a youthful take on this trend. You got the ruffles, you got the halter, but the leg is cut a little higher and there's plenty of shoulder action. Also, I'm totally into this model's cute braided hair.








The Retro Scoopneck one-piece, $51.99, is sort of hot in a weird way. It might just be the horribly uncomfortable looking position this model is in. But I like the buttons down the front; I think it'd be good for a formal sort of pool party, when you probably aren't actually going to go swimming.

This swimsuit isn't hugely retro, but the pinstripe seersucker fabric is pretty old-fashioned. This shirred underwire tank, $85, did not get good reactions from the boys I showed it to (in order to determine whether the model is Mallory from the Real World Paris-- I think it is), but I think it's cute. And I fricking love the sweet little cashmere cardigan over it, no matter how impractical and illogical that combination is.





Finally, here's another little taste of the retro bathing suit style outside of catalogs.