Whenever I'm sad about something, I try to work through it by online shopping. So, for instance, right now I'm super depressed about the Olympics ending and the lack of half-naked athletic gods on my TV screen, so...
First, of course I had to buy the issue of Sports Illustrated with Greatest Olympian Ever Michael Phelps. Everyone knows, of course, that the cover is an homage to the iconic image of Mark Spitz with his seven gold medals, and I can see how SI thought there was no other option for this cover shot. But, first off, Phelps keeps saying he wants to be the first Michael Phelps and not the next Mark Spitz, so why not take a photo that's new and original? And second, it is no secret that Phelps can look sort of awkward from certain angles, especially with his hair so short. Why take a photo that emphasizes his goofy face and hides way too much of his glorious torso? On the other hand, if they had to recreate the Spitz, they should have gone all the way and made him wear a flag print Speedo with a big fake mustache. That would have been hilarious, right? Well, I bought it anyway, and I'm planning on saving it forever and giving it to my grandkids when I'm dead so they can see how awesome Grandpa was back in the day.
There's no bling in the world like Olympic bling, and the "Michael Phelps Wins the Olympics" t-shirt, $18.99, from The Hotness Factory helps those of us who don't have any medals of our own. What they really show have done, I think, is make the women's version of this shirt a halter top. I'm not the only one who thinks Phelps looks like he's wearing a halter top made of ribbons, right? The Hotness Factory made another limited edition Phelps t-shirt that is now sold out, but we can still enjoy the thought of Phelps's little super swimmers.
I loved how, more moments after Phelps won his eight gold medal, NBC ran a commercial hawking their DVD on the "inside story on the Greatest Olympic Champion in history." Way to be prepared, NBC. I rolled my eyes at their transparent desperation for a quick buck... but then I totally bought it. I was planning on waiting until it's been out for long enough to show up for cheap on Ebay, which is what I did with the 2004 Olympic Gymnastics DVD (don't look at me like that! Sometimes, at the end of a tough day, I want to relive Paul Hamm's come-from-behind victory in the All Around competition!). But then I heard that NBC has presold like 20,000 of them, so I worried that they'd sell out and become a rare collector's item. I decided it was worth 20 bucks to secure both a piece of history and my peace of mind. It doesn't come out until mid-September, so I'm looking forward to forgetting about it and then getting a happy surprise in the mail. Then, not only will I get to rewatch all his incredible races, but also Phelps playing Guitar Hero while his freaking adorable bulldog, Herman, looks on!
There are loads of Phelps-related merchandise available, but what about those of us whose hearts were captured by a shaggy-haired, slow-witted, diamond-grilled swimmer named Ryan Lochte? The puff piece NBC ran on "The World According to Ryan Lochte" was, hands down, my favorite moment of the entire Olympics games. I would definitely buy a DVD of Lochte falling off his skateboard and rambling about his love for Lil' Wayne. And if any of his out of this world art was for sale, I would throw down a lot of money to own one. But the imaginary Lochte product I want the most? Jeah Flakes! Phelps can keep his lame Frosted Flakes, I want to eat Lochte cereal. And wear Lochte shoes!
But this blog is not called "OMG, Where did you get that? Photoshop? Oh." So here's a Lochte t-shirt you can buy for reals. From Speedo, the Ryan Lochte Remember Tee, $24, is sort of cheesy and odd. That photo of Lochte is undeniably hot, but it hides both his glorious hair and his killer smile! And his abs! Lame, Speedo. They do sell these generic Team USA jerseys with athletes names on the back, and I would consider the Lochte one if I didn't already have 25 big t-shirts to sleep in. I like how the number on his jersey is 1, because, you know, he's number 1 in my heart.
I'm intrigued by the fact that you can buy a LZR Racer suit online, for just $550. Everyone's talking about how they take a half hour to get into, and only last like 5 swims, and make you feel like a superhero (it was Lochte who said that, while Natalie Coughlin is all "And it's been tested by NASA!"). But what I really want to know is, do those swimmers wear anything under the LZR? They roll the top part down so low that I want to say no, but it also seems the suits are sort of see-through, so... I'm sorry, I just got distracted from the question by the abs on display in this photo.