Best, Meh, and Worst: The Golden Globes

I love the Golden Globes -- so much more relaxed than the Oscars, so much more legitimate than the SAG Awards. All the talent is drunk, and they have to hire tuxedoed men to escort tipsy actresses in heels up the marble stairs to the stage. There are no masturbatory film industry montages and no awkward, he's-usually-so-funny hosts (I'm looking at you, Jon Stewart).

I'm in a particularly good mood this year since Slumdog Millionaire swept (seriously, go see it), Kate Winslet won Best Actress AND Best Supporting Actress, and Mickey Rourke's cracked-out acceptance speech made me laugh, so, without further ado, I give you the best, worst, and should-have-been-better moments from this year's Golden Globe fashions.
Click on any picture to enlarge.

Best:

Kate Winslet
Good Goddamn, Kate. Sleek, polished, understated, and fierce in a very "Oh this old thing? I just threw it on" sort of way. She looks like a goddess.

Salma Hayek
It seems like it would be in poor taste to make a joke about Salma's (sigh) Golden Globes, but seriously, her curves won't quit. She's also one of the only people on the planet who can pull off this particular neutral.

Mary Louise Parker
The color is electrifying, she's well-styled, and the shape actually makes her look like she's got curves. A+.

Christina Hendricks
Everyone's favorite naughty secretary brings it. The structural neckline works in a really unusual way with her curves, and having skin and hair that perfect makes basic black look new and different.

Anna Paquin
I know there will be those who disagree with me on this, and I'll be the first to say that I don't like her blonde, but I'm having a love affair with the draping and the color of this dress. I probably would have worn a necklace with it, though.

Madeline Zima
The little girl from The Nanny grew up HOT. Unusual color -- there were a lot of dark jewel tones and neutrals on the red carpet this year -- and she looks like she just loves wearing this pretty Grecian dress.

Honorable Mention: Mindy Kaling
I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fabulous Ms. Kaling, looking lovely in this understated toga-style number. Stay pretty, Mindy!


Meh:

Freida Pinto
Oh, Freida. I spent about two-thirds of Slumdog Millionaire wondering what genetic accident made her as stunning as she is, and nothing she wears, no matter how bad, is going to overshadow her beauty (just look at that smile). All the same, this is... not great. The color looks great on her, but I can't figure out the cut at all. Do better at the Oscars, Freida.

January Jones
Another instance of great color, bad cut. This particular sky blue couldn't be any more perfect on her, but the shoulder strap is weird and the dress as a whole doesn't look like it fits her correctly.

Angelina Jolie
This isn't bad, it's just boring. Angie, you're probably the most beautiful woman in the world. Were you just not trying?

Drew Barrymore
Pretty dress, Drew, but... what happened with the hair? Did you take a convertible to the red carpet?

Amanda Seyfried
A prime example of how not to do neutrals. In the thumbnail of this picture on my desktop, I actually can't tell where her skin ends and the fabric begins.


Worst:

Renee Zelleweger
What the fuck is this dress? Her bra/undershirt/thing is crooked, the cutaway shoulders look like she tore them on a doorframe, and the skirt doesn't fit. Combine that with that horrible hair and how strung out she looked when she was presenting and you've got... well, I don't even know. It's just bad. Also, she's making a fairly normal face in this picture, but in most of the other pictures from tonight she's making this truly bizarre, overly pleased-with-herself, on-some-serious-medication face. It's not pretty.

Olivia Wilde
I didn't actually know who Olivia Wilde was until just now, when I looked her up on Wikipedia. Turns out she joined the cast of House well after I stopped watching it. I will say that after seeing her in this dress, I never want to see her act in anything, ever. This thing could kindly be described as a chenille nightmare. It's a Barbie dress made out of grandma's bedspread. Also, girl needs to eat a Twinkie or three, because she's looking like she's about ready to take a bite out of the photographer.

Beyonce/Sasha Fierce
I have to say, I'm a little disappointed that Sasha Fierce didn't show up on the red carpet, because she would have been more likely to wear something that fit. This is too tight on the top -- she's holding her arms like she's worried her boobs are about to pop out, which seems to be a legitimate fear. There's extra fabric around her waist and the dress is lumpy over her hips. And did I mention the fabric is hideous?

Debra Messing
Wow. The top is fine, but from the hips down... wow. There's some awkward fabric bunching over her crotch and all that pleating along the bottom just looks straight up messy. Yuck.

Cameron Diaz
Man, I hate Cameron "Jokerface" Diaz. There's some quality about her that I can't quite put my finger on that makes me wish she'd just drop off the face of the planet. It might be different if she EVER looked good, but sadly, this... thing she's wearing is pretty typical, as is the poor styling. As Michael Kors would say, this dress is a whole lotta look, and she is not the person to pull it off. There are pleats and ties and bows in places where such things ought not to be, it's puffing out in odd ways, and I can't imagine what her left boob could possibly have done to deserve the treatment it's getting here. Go away, Cameron.

I Don't Get It: Ed Hardy Edition

Okay, when you go out of state to college, one of the things you have to resign yourself to is the fact that things are going to change while you’re gone. There will be new restaurants you’ve never heard of, new buildings that somehow were built in less than three months, and some major store location swapping in the mall (GAP just suffered a severe downgrade). I’m also used to the idea that as long as I divide my time between the desert and Dixie Land, I’m going to, essentially, have two different set of clothes. It’s like this switch in my brain goes off when I cross the Mississippi—suddenly it is NOT okay to wear Polo shirts and boat shoes, suddenly I have to convert back to wearing Rainbow Sandals year round and clothing styles that won’t cross the continent and become popular in the South until a year after the West is finished with them. It’s about adjustment, y’all.

But I will tell you now that I will never adjust to wearing Ed Hardy.

Ed Hardy, I think, is going to go the way of Von Dutch. It’ll explode, Ashton Kutcher will wear the hats out, stores will pop up everywhere—but just as quickly, it’ll be done, and only the ever-classy Ms. Spears will still be wearing it (until someone shoots her with a clue gun). In a word, it’s trendy.

I have issues with trendy in general, without trendy involving designs that sort of look like a death-obsessed unicorn got sick and threw up all of the rainbows and cheap rhinestones that it ate for lunch. My problem with the Ed Hardy line of clothing stems largely from the fact that Ed Hardy and the other designer are former tattoo artists and all of the shirts/dresses/sunglasses/bathing suits/shoes/socks/shit have a tattoo-y look about them. (Also, because one of the original stores opened up in Tucson. TUCSON, ARIZONA. THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPRESS MY UTTER DISBELIEF AND COMPLETE LACK OF RESPECT IS THROUGH CAPSLOCK.)

Sorry if the above offends anyone, but I’m a total priss about tattoos; they gross me out in a way that usually only salad bars are capable of doing. I love clothing with bright, vibrant colors—but why are we still on the skull and crossbones drawings? Didn’t Avril Lavigne kill that for us already? Haven’t the Emo kids moved on to that crazy ass, but well-meant, To Write Love on Her Arms thing?

The drawings and styles on the t-shirts/watches/intimates/bathing suits/scarves/sunglasses sort of alternate between Asian-influenced and El Dia de los Muertos, and let me tell you people, if I’m going to buy a shirt—A COTTON SHIRT—for $90 I expect it to be wrapped around some dead bread. And not the crappy kind that your mom made you for extra credit in Spanish class. The real stuff.

Oh, and did I mention that I see Ed Hardy everywhere in stores, but not on actual people. I’ve seen approximately three people wearing something by Ed Hardy (and one of them was Cesar Millan on The Dog Whisperer marathon I watched today), so I’m not sure that’s a good sign for those of you looking to jump on the wagon.

Well, anyway. I’m not afraid to admit that I do like some of the t-shirt designs, but I don’t think I could ever wear them. 1. Because I have self respect, 2. Because of the astonishingly high caliber of celebrities that wear it, and 3. Because I already have enough pieces of clothing that look like they lost a long, brutal war to a Bedazzler.